What If Your Story About Them Is Wrong?
Last week, we talked about recognizing the emotion before reacting to it. The next step is just as important: question the story.
Here's a simple question: How do you make toast?
It sounds obvious. But if you ask several people to write instructions for making toast, you may get very different answers.
Some people might assume you know what kind of bread to use. Others might explain how to set the toaster. Someone else might focus on what the finished toast should look like.
The instruction is simple. The assumptions are not.
That's exactly what can happen at work.
A leader says, "I need this by Friday," while the employee hears something different. A leader thinks the expectation is obvious, while the employee is working from a completely different understanding of what success looks like.
When expectations aren't clear, we fill in the gaps with our own assumptions.
And once frustration enters the picture, those assumptions can become conclusions very quickly.
Someone misses a deadline, and we think, “They're unreliable.” Someone doesn't respond to an email, and we think, “They don't respect my time.” Someone makes the same mistake again, and we think, “They just don't care.”
But do we actually know that?
Consider this example: “The report was due Friday, and I didn't receive it.”
That's what you know.
“They're unreliable” is your interpretation.
There may be truth behind that interpretation. But there may also be information you don't have yet.
That's why a useful leadership question is: What do I know, and what am I assuming?
You can also ask, “What story am I telling myself?” and “What else could be true?”
These questions don't mean you ignore patterns or lower your expectations. They help you make sure you're addressing the actual problem rather than the problem your assumptions have created.
Curiosity doesn't remove accountability. It helps you make accountability more effective.
Before you decide what someone's behavior means, get curious about what happened.
Don't let an assumption become a conclusion before you have the facts.
This Week
When you catch yourself making an assumption about someone, stop and ask: What do I actually know?